I lost my best friend today...and it's my own fault yet again... A small cavity in my heart aches throughout my entire chest and I feel a choking sensation... I loved her...
It's because of my uncontrollable invasive thoughts and feelings of love , longing or even lust. I can't trust myself! I hate myself and I wish I was strong enough to torture myself by being vigilant and standing by as a friend. But it's not fair for the one I may call my husband one day... It wasn't fair for my mother to be betrayed by my dad. I don't want to be anything like him that repulsive cheating bastard! I used to fantasize... About kissing her. Fuck I sound like a dike! But it's true... I used to fantasize about being dominated by her a ... A woman! Pah!!! No one tames me! .... I used to imagine such things that are not possible at ALL!!!!! I lost my daughter...only a few weeks ago...I still feel the after effects of giving birth. She didn't live long and it hurt to see her die in my arms... It feels like my best friend has also died in my arms.. And all the pain of loss has returned. My best friend... I love you.